You Were Trained to Perform. God Called You to Become.

Machine transcribed from the episode audio, lightly cleaned. Timestamps are approximate.

0:00
The goal was never to become a better performer. It was to stop performing altogether. And until a man understands that distinction, he will keep optimizing the wrong identity. I spent years adding disciplines, adding routines, adding strategies to a performing identity. And I kept arriving at the same hollow place. Until I understood that the shift wasn't about becoming better at the game I was playing. It was about changing the game entirely. In this video, I'm going to show you both ends of the spectrum. What the performing life actually costs you and what the becoming life actually produces.

0:47
Now before we get into any of this, if you want to know right now where you are on this spectrum, not where you wish you were. I built a free diagnostic tool. You can click the link down in the description, down in the show notes. And it's called the Gap Check. Seven questions. It's going to take you less than 10 minutes. And it's going to give you a really clear picture of where you're at. And it's actually going to help you a lot more in this video. So hit pause. Go take that Gap Check right now if you have not already. And then come back and dig right back in. Okay. Let's talk about what the performing side actually looks like. A man cannot leave a place that he has not named. This is like an alcoholic not being able to heal if they don't admit that they struggle with alcohol.

1:36
Most men on the performing side, they've never had it described clearly enough to recognize it in themselves. Look, this is a diagnosis. This is not a condemnation. The performing life is a foundation problem. It's not a moral failure. And as a matter of fact, there's a lot of good that comes from it. It can just get us into some really dangerous and challenging places. There's five markers of this performing side that you may resonate with. One or maybe all five. The first one is hustle. Man, we live in a hustle culture. Hustle and striving is the way of life of the high performer. But this is a season at best. It cannot be a state of being.

2:23
And yet so many men today make it that way. The second marker is proving. You are constantly trying to prove your worth through your output. The problem is, is that no matter how much you accomplish, the internal ledger that you have, that measurement, it never closes. You never feel like you ever get closure. The third marker is decoration. Look, your faith is real. You're attending church on Sundays, but it's not driving your Monday behavior. I talked about that in a previous video in more depth. You can go back and check that out. The fourth marker is functional. So your marriage, your parenting, they work logistically, but there's no real depth.

3:13
There's no real aliveness. It just doesn't bring that amazing, joyous feeling to you or your wife. And the fifth marker is isolated. The higher the man climbs, the higher the high performer climbs, the fewer people actually know the real him. And look it, I was there and I find myself veering back into this place from time to time. But man, it is a hollow freaking feeling. This hollow is what you feel when you've achieved so much to prove that you've done it. And yet you're actually proving that the performing life doesn't work.

4:01
You're winning by every external measure that you would deem success and high performance to be. And everybody else would too. And yet you kind of feel nothing. Okay. I was there. I had accomplished some pretty early success in my career in my early 20s, which was more than 20 years ago. I broke the six figure mark. I had the nice house. I had the nice cars, the pool in the backyard, going on trips. I was checking off all the boxes that I thought were marks of what it meant to be a high performer that actually achieved success. But it just wasn't closing the gap. I still had this hole.

4:47
I still had this emptiness. Thank God that it all came crumbling down because that's what awoke me to the reality that I was just in the wrong spot. And if this is you, if you're feeling this way, I would encourage you to go back through each of those five markers and figure out which one describes you best right now. Where are you at in this current state? And then name one. Name the one that is the most true with you. Like you read that one and you're like, man, that is me. Look at the good news about this. And I'm going to get to the becoming here in just a second. But the good news about all this is, is this can be fixed.

5:35
Because, again, performing, high performance, the desire to perform at a high level is not a character flaw. It's a foundational issue. You were trained by way of your own upbringing, the parents, your parents in your own house, school, sports, friends. You have been trained to perform. You know now that it's just not getting you what you wanted out of it. So name that one marker from the performing side that's most true in your life right now. And sit with that. Recognize what it's been costing you. The good news, though, is that is where you've been. But I want to show you what the other side actually looks like. And that's the becoming.

6:21
Because if you've named one of those markers, just one of them, and you felt it, this is going to be for you. And by the way, if you haven't taken that gap check, do that. That's going to help you to better understand. You're like, Ryan, I'm not 100% sure where I'm at. I feel the emptiness, but I'm not 100% sure what's driving it. Which of those five? I haven't named it yet, so I'm not 100% sure. Go take that. Click there. Click the link. Take that gap check. It's free. You don't even have to put in an email address. And it's going to take you less than 10 minutes. And it's going to really help with the rest of this video so you can more practically apply it to yourself. I don't just want to talk theory.

6:59
I want to really teach practice for you. Okay. So let's talk about what the becoming side produces. Because this is where it starts to get really exciting. Okay. I understand that somebody like you, you're a visionary. You see big things ahead of you. You are not going to leave the familiarity of how you've been wired and what you see as your future from some abstract destination. You're like, I'm not going to go off of theory. I'm not just going to go off of some idea. I've got to get really clear. I need concrete. I need specific. I need something that I can touch and that I can feel. I'm not going to make a promise to you.

7:45
I want to demonstrate this through evidence. Because men that I've worked with, both in private coaching as well as in our group community, the men that I have worked with that have deeply invested in this shift from performing to becoming and really given it their all, oh my gosh, I have seen incredible results from all of this. Okay. Here are the five markers. So we've talked about the five markers of the performing side. Let's talk about the five markers of the becoming side. So five of them. Grounded, worth, faith drives, marriage, and brotherhood. Okay. So let's, let me break each one of these down because these are going to be super helpful for you. This is where I start to get really excited.

8:29
And you may see my posture change as I do because this is my hope for myself. This is my hope for every single one of you that's going to be watching this video. So the first one is grounded. Your identity is settled before you do anything. It's not determined by last week's result. It's not determined by what you're going to achieve today. Your identity is set in stone and it is unshakable. That is the first mark of a man that can achieve great things becoming who God has created him to be. The second one is worth. Okay. So worth is received. It is not earned. You do great things and you can be extremely valuable.

9:14
The better the outcome you can produce, the more you're going to get paid. And that is not a bad thing. But when it comes to true worth, who we are and what we are worth, like what our value is, that has been settled at the cross. Look, Jesus accomplished eternal worth and value for you if you're a Christian, for me for sure, because I definitely am a Christian. The cross determined that all. Jesus determined that all. That then changes how I work and how I lead. I no longer have to perform. I'm already confident in my worth and value because of what God has done in my life. The third thing is, is around faith. And it's really that faith drives. That is the third marker of this becoming side is that faith drives.

10:03
It's not decoration. It's direction. So when a hard call comes, when a challenge comes, when there's a struggle, faith is the first filter. When you face a situation and you're not sure how to make a business decision or a relationship decision, faith is the filter. You see everything through the lens of faith. It drives every bit of who you are and what you do. The fourth marker of becoming is marriage. Your marriage, your relationships, but primarily your marriage. Your marriage is not functional. It is pursuing. You are leading towards something. And that is this beautiful picture of what God designed marriage to be back in the garden.

10:49
Adam and Eve, naked and unashamed. It is this picture of marriage bliss in which we value each other. We love each other. We pour into each other and we reap the incredible gifts of one another. That's what it means to pursue in marriage, not just to see it as some function. The last one, the fifth marker on the becoming side is brotherhood. Men who know you and sharpen you are the ones that are closest to you. Your influence then will outlast your production with these type of men. This requires you to make a decision to be intentional about investing into a community of brothers,

11:35
like our men of greatness community, like one in your local church, but to invest into a community of brothers and allow them to invest into you. Okay. I want you to hear me say what is going to be the most true statement of all. God has already commissioned you to greatness. And you may say to yourself, I know I've achieved it. No, no, no. I'm talking about something much bigger. Now, it can be incredible business success. It can be tons of wealth, an amazing marriage, like a flourishing family. All of these things can be part of the commission that God has given to you.

12:24
But it is not a destination you arrive at. It is a direction that you choose and then operate from daily. You see, the achievement, the acquisition of all these things, all of these amazing outcomes, they are all the natural product of me walking in the commission that God has given me, walking in the call that God has given me. I choose to follow after God's plan for my life, to walk in the steps that he has fashioned for me. And then I watch as he works. So I had this client that this was very much his story.

13:14
He, a crazy story, actually. Real quick, I'll give you background. Just, I get a DM on LinkedIn one day. This is 2023, towards the end of 2023. I get this DM on LinkedIn one day and he says, I don't know how I got it, but I read a copy of your book. And for the first time, it stirred up in me a boldness to reach out to a complete stranger and say I needed it. And I was like, oh my gosh. So I DM this guy back. We hop on a call. And he starts telling me about the fact that his marriage of 18 years is on the verge of divorce. He's got two kids, teenagers. And he loves his wife dearly, recognizes he's made some mistakes. Nothing, no infidelity, nothing like that. Just distance and poor communication.

14:00
There's just not that fire in their marriage anymore. And his wife says, I think I want a divorce. And he says, we've been to therapy and I've met with individual therapists and nothing is working. It's a Christian guy, wants to be after the Lord's own heart. Interestingly enough, he's killing it at work, like doing incredibly well. Had just been promoted when I talked to him during the time that we worked together about 18 months. He got promoted two more times. Like, man, he was on it with many outward metrics. But this hole that was brought to his attention in the greatest of ways when his wife came to him and said, I think I want a divorce. He saw the signs, but he never expected that.

14:49
And we went to work. And it was interesting because the majority of the work that we did over that 18 months was rebuilding his foundation and reminding him of who he was in Christ. We pointed to the fact that, man, you could do that at work, but you were having a hard time doing that at home. That you knew what you needed to do, but you were really struggling to live it out and to do it. It was all foundational work. It was, in many ways, there was a lot of performance versus becoming in what he was doing. And the more that we worked on it, the more that he started to recognize that if he just became the man that God called him to be, that he would see fruit.

15:38
And so he began that work. And it was not pretty. Like, in the beginning, his wife didn't even believe that he could do it. Like, he was making attempts to become a better man, demonstrating that in the actions and his words at times. And she just wasn't having it because she had seen so much of the opposite. And so then he would get ticked off. He would lash out, become his old self. I mean, it was just this pattern for quite a while. We pressed into his faith. We started reading a devotional together, he and I. Phenomenal devotional. Actually, I'll put the link down in the show notes if you want to check that out because it's just a great devotional. I'm actually reading through again right now with another friend.

16:17
And little by little, he started to see fruit. And his wife started to see fruit. So much so that his wife, one day, she came to him and she's like, I don't know what you're doing, but, like, it's different. And he says, I'm working with this coach. And she says, I got to talk to him. And so I get on a call with his wife. And, man, we had a gnarly conversation. I actually learned some more things that he had not even been completely forthcoming. Not that he was hiding them, but just wasn't, you know, going deep enough with me, which then helped us work even more. But she got to the end of it and she was like, man, this has been incredible. And so we worked about 18 months together. We stopped.

17:00
I get a call about six months later. He's like, man, I kind of found myself back in the same spot. I did some coaching with them as a couple and then them individually to reinforce this stuff because we have to keep working on it. And by the grace of God, it is mid-2026 and they are happily married. He's being a far better husband, a far better father to his two kids who were also frustrated with him. And it's also producing even more fruit in his job at work. And he feels so much better about himself as the result of it all. He filled a gap that no previous experience in his life had ever been able to touch. No therapist, no book, no podcast. Because we went back to the root of it all, which was the foundation.

17:49
Look, if this is you, you've got to do something about it, too. You've got to look at each marker, each of the performing ones, but then each of the becoming ones. And what would it look like for you to adopt some piece of becoming in each of those five areas? Which one are you most distant in right now? Like, which one is the one that feels the farthest away? Like, that's the one that, man, like, I don't even know if I can do that. Let me encourage you before I move on to the final thing is what it's actually going to require of you to see this shift take place is I just want you to know that this is not about arriving. This is a day-by-day, week-by-week, month-by-month, year-by-year journey.

18:34
It's about daily choices, daily intention, and daily direction. But it all starts with choosing the right foundation. Okay, so now that you've seen both sides, you've seen the performing, you've seen the becoming, now I want to talk about what this shift is actually going to require of you. Because a man who understands both sides, but doesn't understand the shift mechanism, is going to feel inspired for a day or two or a week, but then return to what? To performing. We've all been there. We've all tried this before. And we find ourselves back in the same situation because that's what we're comfortable with. So on this theme of five, there's five realities to the shift. Five things that you have to be committed to if you are going to make this shift from performance

19:23
to becoming. So buckle up because it's going to take some work on your part. Number one, you have to commit to the fact that this cannot be additive. You cannot add becoming to a performing foundation. You must rebuild from a different starting point. You can put Gucci shoes on a piece of turd and it's just a piece of turd in Gucci shoes. Right? I don't know why I even said Gucci. But you get the point. So it cannot be additive. It's got to be complete replacement. Rebuilding from a different starting point. Rebuilding from a new foundation. Secondly, you have to understand that this is about decision first. Your posture must change before your behavior changes. Stop trying to prove yourself and start receiving what God has already given you.

20:13
And maybe part of that is this message right here. The third reality is there is a gap. Like there is a gap in between where you are right now and where God is calling you to go. But in the middle, this is the turning point. This is your opportunity. This is not failure. This is a moment of honest confrontation where you are going to determine, you are going to decide whether or not you want to close that gap for real or not. Don't talk about it unless you're going to do it. The fourth reality of this shift is that you're not alone. Performing identities, they just thrive in isolation. I mean, as much as people say that we're better together, normally the high performers, man, they just get into their own lane.

21:02
They put their blinders on and they just get after it. But that ain't going to work here. That's just going to throw you further into isolation and it's going to throw you farther into misery and it's going to create an even bigger gap in your life. Becoming identity requires a brotherhood. God created us that way. God intended for us to live that way. Nothing changed from the beginning of the book of Genesis to the end of the book of Revelation, which is the time when we will one day be worshiping together with Christ in the new heavens and the new earth. So you're not alone. And the fifth reality is this is all about foundation. This whole desire, this whole choice, this whole commitment, this commission that God has given you,

21:42
it is built on the foundation that you are sustained by an identity rooted in sonship. Your worth has been settled. Your calling, therefore, is operating out of an identity. It's just doing what you have been created to do, which is beautiful, right? Because then I don't have to try and fiddle a bunch of other things into who I am. I just get to go be me. I mean, how freeing is that just to go be me? Okay, if you are done performing and ready to become, this is for you. You need to commit to this. You cannot commit to getting hyped up and being motivated to do this. This is it.

22:28
You're over it. You're done with the gap. You're done feeling this way. So I want you to name your decision. What are you going to do about it? Name the decision that is going to change your life. What is going to move you from performing to becoming? You likely already know what that is. If you take the gap check, that is going to give you further awareness of what that is. You can go back and watch the last two videos in this series. We've got a few more coming up that may be more helpful to provoke you in that way. But you have to choose. If you are done, done with this completely, and you are ready to step into a room with other men that are serious about this same shift, our Men of Greatness Brotherhood is for you.

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It was created for you. It's free to join. So there's just no barrier. It's not about hype. We're not here to perform. We are faith-driven men closing the gap between who we are and who God created us to be, but we're doing that together. Links down below. You can check that out. Look it. Be done performing. Choose to become. If that is the case, the only question is whether or not you are ready to cross that line. Choice is yours.