Why Your Wife Misses the Man You Used To Be

Machine transcribed from the episode audio, lightly cleaned. Timestamps are approximate.

0:01
So your wife, she stopped waiting for the version of you that everybody else respects. Look at that version. He's impressive. He closes deals. He commands the room. Everybody else around him looks up to him. And she's proud of that man. I mean, she really, really is. But that's not the man that she married to be close to. Look, your wife doesn't need you walking through the door at six o'clock and then just being there. She needs a husband who is actually present at the dinner table. One who asks about her day and actually means it. One who shows up the same way in the small moments as he does in the big moments.

0:50
For a long time, your wife, she's waited for that version to show up more. She told herself that you just weren't getting there because you were busy, because you were tired, just because you were in the midst of a hard season. I mean, she wanted to be empathetic. But most wives, they get quiet eventually. Not because they stopped loving their husbands, but because waiting on him started costing her more than it was worth. If your wife has gotten quieter about wanting more from you, I want you to hear me on this. That's not peace. And that shouldn't be relief. That's a woman who's tired of waiting on a man to come home differently. If you're new here, my name is Ryan James Miller. For the longest stretch in my own marriage, I was that first version.

1:39
I was the one that everybody respected. I was crushing it professionally. But I ran our house like I ran a business. And I nearly lost the woman running it right beside me. So I worked. I provided really well, if I don't say so myself. In my head, that made me a good husband. I mean, I grew up in an environment where my parents divorced and I didn't get a lot of provision. And so I felt like, man, if I could do that for my wife, that was good. Case closed. My wife, though, she was carrying the house. She was carrying the kids, two little girls, the schedule. She was carrying the emotional weight of pretty much everything that was going on in our house. And I just didn't really give her much credit for it.

2:29
And I didn't pick up much of what she could not deal with on my own. And she would push back. For sure, she would push back. But when she would push back on me, I would just feel justified. I mean, I was the one earning the money. I was the one working hard out there all day long. And that felt like it was enough. But it wasn't enough. It was never going to be enough. And those arguments, man, they got louder. Then they stopped being arguments. And they became silence. And for a moment, I thought, whew. But what I recognized was that silence became the normal temperature of our entire marriage. And one night in the middle of some stupid fight about money, I said the word divorce out loud.

3:20
It really wasn't even because I meant it. But because I didn't know any other way to make up for what was going on or really to make that pressure stop. What was scarier is we actually had a few of those fights. And eventually, my wife was also open to the idea. And for a second, I thought, we thought we both meant it. I was not failing at my marriage because I didn't love my wife. I was failing because I thought presence and provision were the same thing. But the reality of the matter is they're not. And so what I want to do for you is I want to present an idea to you with what I believe could be some helpful thoughts around,

4:07
first of all, what's not working. And you're probably going to relate to a lot of these things. And then what could actually work for you. So just follow along here because I think you're going to really resonate with a lot of what I have to say. If you feel like you're in a place where your marriage just isn't 100% dialed in to where you want it to be or where your wife wants it to be. So here's something that nobody told me back then and what I want to be so clear as to tell you right now. Distance in a marriage almost never sends a warning shot. There's no single fight. There's no one betrayal. There's no dramatic moment where as a man we can say, you know what? That's it. That is what did it.

4:53
That's what finally undid us all. Because if there was, then fixing it would be simple. I mean, you know, you would know exactly what to prepare. You've probably tried some of those fixes in the past and you're like, yep, I totally did it. Instead, all of those challenges that we're facing, all of that distance, it just starts to accumulate. And then what happens is, is one night you end up just talking more about logistics than anything else. Then you see one more time where she needed you to notice something about her in her, something that she's done, and you just totally missed it. There's one more time where she reached across the room for you and you grabbed your phone.

5:40
Look, none of it to you and maybe even to her for a while. None of that feels like betrayal in a moment. It just feels like a forgettable midday evening, midweek evening. But marriages are not measured in dramatic moments. They are measured in normal midweek evenings, stacked up over years. I talk about this a lot, but that drift is what creates the gap that you may be in right now. So here's a couple of fixes that I hear a lot of guys try to jump into. And here's why they probably keep failing.

6:26
So you've heard this one, like, just work harder. Just be a better husband. Do more things. The problem is, is that's how you already run your house. You already run it like a business. Notice the problem. Identify it. Run a SWOT analysis. Build some new structures, some new process. Habits and disciplines and then execute. The problem, though, is the business isn't the problem. Oh, so you know what? I know what. Instead of just, like, working harder, I think that there's a better plan. There's a bigger plan that we can consider. You know what we're going to do? We're going to schedule a date night. Good. You should do that.

7:13
We're going to read a book together. I mean, maybe that would be helpful for you. But none of those things are what addresses what actually went quiet in the first place. Or here's one I'm sure every single one of you guys has tried at least one time or another. Just wait it out. I mean, look, it's just a season, right? I mean, it's a little bit of chaos, but eventually it's going to get better. But the reality of the matter is, is a thousand normal Tuesdays don't fix themselves. And when you're waiting it out, that's exactly what you think is going to happen. You keep treating a presence problem like it's a logistics problem. And that's the whole reason none of this has worked for you.

8:01
So if it's not a logistics problem, and if it can't be fixed with logistical strategies, process improvements, then what is it? Well, there were three things that I got wrong, and there were three shifts that I had to make that actually helped to close the gap. Now, if this was just about me, I would say, look, I'm just a one-off, but I have worked with hundreds of guys in individual private coaching, in group settings, through our men of greatness programs, through weekend retreats. And these have been common practice, both in what went wrong, how to fix it, and a positive result. There's nothing guaranteed, but this is pretty dang close. So the first shift that I had to work through was that logistics is not intimacy.

8:52
Now, I'm not just talking about sleeping with your wife, like being intimate like that, though that's super important. But the first lie that I believed when I started to have some challenges in my own marriage, and the first lie that many men believe, it's actually a really dangerous one, because it doesn't look like failure from the outside. It actually looks like excellence. It looks like significant improvement, like a high achiever. And it's this, if I run the household well, I am doing my job as a husband. So if there's some breaks, I'm just going to run the household better. But like I said, logistics and intimacy, those two things, they live in completely different rooms. Shoot, they live in two completely different worlds.

9:37
You can be a black belt in logistics and a total stranger in intimacy, even if you're regularly sleeping. The calendar being dialed in is not the same thing as your wife feeling known. Most men, they never catch this. They never completely understand this gap because logistics, structure, process improvement, high performance. Those are all the things that the world praises. And those are things that if you're an entrepreneur, if you're a business builder, that's just what you become accustomed to. The bigger problem is, is nobody actually even claps for presents. No one goes like, man, good job. You were there for your family.

10:23
Like that is so rare. But you've got to make this shift and you have to stop measuring your marriage based upon what got done today. I'm not saying to do in your marriage, to do good, to serve well. But you need to start measuring your marriage based upon whether or not your wife felt known by you today. So that was the first shift that I had to make. And it was a really, really important one. Again, like this isn't about logistics. It's about intimacy. The second lie that I bought into is the one that sends every single man straight back to his phone or to the whiteboard when things start to get hard. The second shift that I had to make was the fact that your wife, she needs to be seen, not sold.

11:13
Look, I came home so many nights. I came back after a frustrating argument or disagreement so often with a better routine, with a date on the calendar, with an idea that, dude, I was so proud of. We believed a lie. We believed that your wife needs another plan, that she needs another system, that she needs another attempt from you at getting this right. And you know what? She may be even saying that because she just wants to see some life come out of you. But there's a deeper truth here that your wife will start to recognize and you will start to feel if you're willing to fulfill it. And it's this. The first words that your wife needs to hear from you is not another plan.

12:01
It was simply her name. Look at guys. We love to solve problems. I love to solve problems. As a strategist, as a coach. I mean, that's my job. I love solving problems with systems because systems feel controllable, right? If I can put it in a system, I can measure it. I can gauge it. I can correct it. But intimacy doesn't start with a system. It starts with being seen. Your wife, she has heard your plans so many times. But what she has not felt from you lately is you looking at her like she is the most important thing that happened to you all day. And so I'm going to give you one tip right here, right smack dab in the middle of this.

12:47
Tonight, before you say one more word about your day or about the day, call her by name and mean it. Let her know by name what she means to you, what she's done for you, how she makes you feel. That was the second shift that I had to make. And it was a massive one. Because being seen, shown positive results before any strategy in my marriage or any marriage of a guy that I coached ever could. Okay, so those are two down. The third one is the most expensive shift. And this is the one that most men, they're actually not even going to pay for. Which is crazy to me. Because you are on a road to an absolute disaster in your divorce.

13:36
And you just hold this one at arm's length. But I'm going to push in on you anyway, because that's what I'm here to do. The third shift that I had to realize was that the armor, my armor, is the cost. Look, a real connection with your wife, it is going to have a real cost. Most men, they're just not willing to pay that cost. You talk about being a baller, you throw money around. But this is one thing that you typically will not throw at what it takes to accomplish it. You see, there's this false belief that we have as men that if we stay guarded, if we stay composed, that will protect us. That will keep us safe. That will keep my marriage safe. That will keep everything in good, polished, and perfect order.

14:22
That's crazy to me. But that's the way most of you operate. The truth of the matter is, is that the armor that you wear, it doesn't just block out the people that might hurt you. I know you've been wounded in the past. You've been cut down. You've been talked bad about. You've been let down. I get it. I understand what it is like to wear the wounds of other people's affliction. But the armor that we build up over time, it doesn't just protect us from those people. It blocks out the one person who wants in more than anybody else. The cost to do this, this is not your time. Because most men, and I know you can, you can find more time if you really want to.

15:07
The cost isn't even money. Because you've solved harder problems and paid for harder problems than one day. The cost is your armor. The cost is letting her see the fear underneath the confidence. Letting her see the places where you actually feel weak. You see, vulnerability is not weakness. It's actually a strength. But in your marriage, it's the cost of admission to the closeness that you are missing with your wife. You want to be strong, masculine, in terms of how you protect your wife.

15:52
Absolutely. But you don't need to protect her from you. If that's your problem, you have a much bigger problem. Be vulnerable. Be open. Show her who you really are when all the armor comes down. Try this. Go home. Pick one thing that you've been hiding behind and let her see it. Share with her one thing that you've really been struggling with and watch her lean into you. You can keep the armor and stay safe. But I'm telling you right now, you do that, you're going to be doing it. But there's good news inside of all of this. And it's not just having some mindset shifts. Those things are really, really important.

16:38
I want you to consider this. If distance got built one midweek evening at a time, it can be closed in the exact same way. One reach across the couch. One validation and appreciation by name. You can change that. And you can start that today. I didn't close the gap in my own marriage by just trying harder. I closed it first with God. Reconciling my relationship with Him. Giving my life over to Him. And then I closed it with other men who would not let me hide behind competence anymore.

17:27
They kept pushing me to lean in, to be more vulnerable, to press in and be present for my wife. That's exactly why we've created the community that we have. And that is why that we have created the Aligned Man program. This is exactly what it's built for. 12 weeks, 12 men. These are brothers who will not let you disappear back into the version that everybody else respects, respects, but your wife doesn't even know. Show up. Do the work. If you are honest in that room, you are going to be mindful. Because if you do those things for 12 straight weeks, and you are not clear on exactly where your life drifted,

18:14
I will give you your money back. That's how confident I am in this program. I see men and I lead men to take actual practical steps to close that gap. And again, if you don't do that, if you don't feel better and see clear on the other side of that 12 weeks, I'll buy it back from you. No questions asked. Every single dollar. If you bring the man, your whole self into the Aligned Man, I will handle the rest. If you are ready to stop drifting and become one Aligned Man, I want you to find me on Instagram. I'll link it below. And I want you to DM me the word aligned.

19:01
Your wife, she is not waiting on a better plan. Your wife is waiting on you to come home. The question is whether or not you're actually willing to do so.